I know I don't. And I guess I have a lot to say. And I guess it's because I have another journal and I'm a real persona and it kind of scares me sharing deeper thoughts with those who read my journal as a every day "I did this" type of thing.

Life if pretty good. I've lost some weight, which is always good. I wish I could post pictures, so you could see that I'm not some bloated cow sitting behind a screen winging about the fact that she can't get laid or figure out whom she wants to sleep with. Next year I'm going to send in some pictures to modeling agencies, so that's pretty exciting - in my opinion.

So, I've been thinking a lot about sexuality. i think it's probably the second biggest though pattern that runs through my head. I find that shows that make being a lesbian trendy make me want to  just sleep with girls, but then I meet a boy and my heart flutters. I get all nervous in thinking "well what happens if we want to have sex" I guess I just don't think I'm very good at straight sex and therefore I don't want the attention of males. I also think that perhaps I'm worried that they will call me the ugly fat one - which I know isn't true... my BMI is 20 and I hopefully will be doing some modeling. I guess it's just my own self doubt. I was also sexually assaulted by a male... perhaps that is it?

But, in saying that I do feel a lot more save when I sleep with women. Perhaps it's that penis scare me? I'm not quite sure. Or perhaps the worries of what sex can bring.  I sort of talked to my friends about it. I'm just kind of scared. I'm not saying I'm gay. I know that I can feel attracted to a male, but I don't feel the need to fuck boys - not yet. Not until I find 'the one' .

So, getting back to my update of updates. I do hope people read this, I'm not spending my Sunday night typing these words just so I can go back and think "why did I write that?". 

Recent Sexual Encounters
Yes, I like my journal steamy thank you very much.
 
I few months ago I went to a friend's party. We all had a bit to much to drink and turned out quite nicely. I was really wanting to get laid and thank goodness I did. The girl I was with told me she'd never had head, so I gave it to her and she gave it to me. She wasn't that bad; although I didn't come.

I went up north to visit my friend and I slept on her floor. The whole time wishing I could climb into her bed and fuck her. But I waited. The next night we went to a party and I ended up with two men and her. Noting too extreme. So that's good... I would have had regrets if I slept with those two men I hardly knew!

The last one was one of my good friends, she's a year younger than me. We stepped outside for a smoke and we kissed. I swear, best kiss of my life. Then at a festival we had a quick kiss. She came over to my house for drinks party and she just looked into my eyes with everything I said. I can't seem to get my mind off her. Really. I made her a CD.

I would really like to find someone. Someone who it works with. I had a recent stint with a friend who then chickened out. Because I like fucking girls. And I would like to fuck often. But she was a prude.

I thought about throwing out my vibrators. I have three. I sort of felt I needed to get a real person not a coin operated boy. I sort of want to buy some more sex toys, but i have no idea what to get. I have your three norms: dildo, g-spot and a little vibrator. They all work pretty well, so says a past fuck... but still.

 

This is me.
 

Yes, so as you know; I haven't posted in quite a while.

That is because I've been thinking... a lot.
As one might.

Perhaps, it is too much L-Word or being 'stalked' by a guy - but I've figured things out.

What I want to know is Do I sound like a contradiction.

I talked before of love being fluid - and that still remains the same, but I feel that I am not a bi-sexual. It is something that I've probably known for quite some time, but have repressed in order to fit in to judgmental society.

I do not identify myself as straight - this I have been aware of for quite some time; nor have I ever tired to cover up.

I am gay... lesbian. How ever one puts in in correct terms these days.

I don't have any interest what so ever in men.

Although the looming prospect of a family and marriage still is a big thing; perhaps I will do all that to make people happy and get a divorce and live happily ever after in my own world.

That's all....

I see, as I said before; sexuality fluid.

But, I was very much hit on by a good looking, pre med student. Very wealthy, and an amazing sense of style. But... I didn't want him. I don't want a man. He could have been, could be... the man I am looking for. The one I spend the rest of my life with.

But... I find myself closing my eyes and replying the footage of myself and this girl. So, why?

Don't I want to be married? I want children... but, I... am not attracted to men.

Could it be that I will fall in love with a man who I don't want to touch?

Or... could it be something stronger? Have I just not found the right man, or... am I too young to find a boyfriend, not going to the right places, or just not in the right mood.

If so, why do I find myself looking to women more often? Not just as a figure that can turn me on, but as a beautiful creation. I never used to think as women as attractive, but no I look at a women and see her beautiful lips or the way she holds herself... I see her for the perfection that she is for being what she is.

I couldn't possibly be a lesbian. I am the most girly girls I know, always had a boyfriend. I don't dislike men, but... I feel there is so much more in a women.

I don't know what to make of it, all I know is that I'm clearly very aware of what I'm feeling, but as what to think of it?

I found someone I want.
Someone... I like.

She's beautiful, tall and thin. Blonde hair and blue eyes. She's funny and she makes me laugh.

She put her arms around me, and pulled me in close, kissed me on the cheek. She held my hand. This is the third time things have been this cozy.

I think that there could be something there. I'm sure... there must be something right??

I see her next Saturday... I really think I like her.

When I think about her I get those butterflies like it's the first time I've ever held someone's hand.

Long time...

Really nothing to report on..
Still with out a girlfriend...

Trying to work on that one this year...
Wish me luck!

My friend bailed on me for tomorrow night - a little bit annoyed, but what ever, it will be nice to have a quite night. But, I would really like someone... because it's alot differnt to just... well a fantasy. Perhaps I am being too expectant of something, and not pro active enough because I haven't gone out to gay bars to try and pick up. But at the same time, I'm not open with my sexuality and I don't want to take my friends out to gay bars so I can score.

But I've come to the point where I'm craving human affection. Touching someone and sharing a feeling with some one is so... it cannot be comparied with anything. I want that, and I don't think that it's selfish for me to say that I need it. Because in the end we all need someone in our lives.

And with the whole coming out thing, I'm very... well, I don't know what to do. Because I really don't know were I stand in terms of sexuality. I'm attracted to girls, I like to sleep with girls and I find it easier to connect with girls. But in saying that, I want childern, I find men 'attractive' (but don't feel able to communicate) but I don't really like being with a man...

All my life, I've felt the same way - that sexuality shouldn't be selective, but it should be about the person. But more often than not I want girls, I fall for them... does this mean I'm gay??? Or perhaps I just haven't meet any decent guys?

After coming home from yet another 18th, I craved even more, a conversation about sexuality with one of my friends who admitted that she 'didn't know what it was like to have a straight moment' and I really wanted to open up and say that I really want a relationship with a girl... it's almost the confidence to say these things that is as important as the relationship.

What a wonderful ending, I didn't have a drink becase I was driving, there are no good movies... so I find myself going back to my battery opporated boy for a bang...

Random off topic question - anyone know how to make your orgasms last longer???


I will go back and edit this in the morning when I'm not so tired, so sorry for the grammar, spelling, typos blah blah

My 'it's sort of complicated because we have sex yet we aren't together' friend and I are going out clubbing. I messaged her saying:

you. me. smokes. booze. clubbing. Saturday. crash at mine.

So we're going out. And I really need a good time. I really good time. I want to be a bit naughty. I've gotten a new vibrator since the last time we shook the bed, and it's pretty dandy.

I sound so frustrated, but it is more that I'm lusting someone to share this energy with. To be part of something. To receive pleasure without effort.

I would like to be blind folded. Lay on a bed and let her do what ever she wanted to me. And of course, I would be willing to do the same. I would really like to have strap on sex... but I don't own a strap on, nor do I know how to suggest this. My favorite thing to have done - yes, like most girls I love people going down on me. It is soft and wonderful. Better than sex with boy and better than penetration with a dildo.

My toes of choice:
http://www.naughtybutnice.com.au/catalog/product_info.php/cPath/24_63/products_id/426
and not the same but close to http://www.naughtybutnice.com.au/catalog/product_info.php/cPath/24_63/products_id/311

I was thinking about orgasm balls... what do you all think are the best for both dual and single pleasure?

Yes this journal is sexually explicit... but I warned you. And of course these are the thought that seem to consume so much of my time as these are the thoughts that I'd never share.


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MY I PICK UP ON SATURDAY!!!

I need someone.

I think I may hit the clubs during the week I hopes that I can find a girl to spice it up. I'm sick of being alone. Yes, I do have a vibrator but I'm lusting for that skin on skin action. The hot sweat that builds when two bodies melt to one. I crave a kiss, full and strong and a forceful push against a wall as she pushes up next to me. I ache for her to undress me and to cup my breasts, to kiss them. And, I wish someone would go down on me. Goodness me, is that not the BEST feeling in the world? I think I'm turning myself on.

I need it so very bad. Ahhhh.... I can feel my mind moaning. I just want someone to love me. I need a women. I think I may go out on Tuesday.

Now I've gotten myself all worked up and I just need to let it all out!!!

I can't believe I haven't been with a girl in 7 months.
And a boy in 5 months.

I think my fish is sick... yes, I'm taking a more personal apprroach.

It's doing cartwheels in it's tank...

Love and peace
DaNcInG sHoEs

Serioulsy... I need a girlfriend.


Boys are overrated.